When I was a kid and my dad got angry, we all knew it. It changed the atmosphere in the home. When I was younger, I would scramble around trying to appease him. As a teen, I would disappear into my room and then be shamed for not wanting to be a part of the family. Sometimes, my dad’s anger had nothing to do with me, but I would think it did. As the oldest child with an overactive sense of responsibility and poor communication tools, I learned that I needed to manage others so I could feel OK—a classic case of codependence.

My dad didn’t have the skill of processing his own emotions, so he put them on his kids. But we can do better for our own kids. Codependency is often developed in childhood. If we want to prevent it, we need to know how kids learn it. Here are 5 ways kids learn to be codependent children.

1. When They Think They’re Responsible for Other People’s Feelings

It’s easy to blame others for our feelings instead of taking responsibility for our own emotions and behavior. Once, my daughter stole offering money from the donation bag at a church. I was embarrassed and felt like she made me feel that way. In reality, I chose to feel shame for her actions. Luckily, I refrained from putting that on her.

I helped her tell the pastor what she did and clean up the mess she made with him. I asked her how she thought he felt about her taking the church’s money. If our kids get into trouble, we should help them deal with the situation, not expect them to deal with our emotions about it.

2. When They Don’t Get to Practice Making Choices

I once traveled from the small town where I lived to a big city with a group of women. One of them, who had grown up with a controlling parent, felt paralyzed every time we asked her opinion about what we’d do in the city. She was never given the chance to make choices as a kid, so as an adult, she couldn’t make them. It was sad to see that she was unable to have her own opinions.

Codependent children don’t know how to make choices for themselves. Find ways to give them a choice between two things instead of always telling them what to do.

3. When Guilt or the Silent Treatment Is Used to Get Them to Do Something

“I thought you were better than that.” “If you keep doing that, no one will like you.” “All I ask is for you to do a few chores around here.” Sound familiar? Other unhealthy communication is leaving in a huff expecting someone to follow after you and apologize. Using tactics like this teaches kids it’s OK to coerce others or to be manipulated.

A better way to communicate your needs is to be direct and assertive: “What do you think the outcome will be if you continue to do that?” “What kind of person do you want to be known as?” “You may have the Wi-Fi password as soon as your chores are finished.”

4. When They’re Invited Into Adult-Sized Problems

The closer you are to your kids emotionally, the easier it is to confide in them like you would with a friend. Some kids are naturally graced with the ability to listen, empathize, and counsel. Unfortunately, having that role in a parent’s life is anxiety-inducing for kids, who need their parents to be the strong ones. When roles are reversed, they become codependent children who shut down their own needs and learn to take the weight of the world upon their shoulders.

Even if the child seems to want to be your emotional support person, resist leaning on her. Find a friend or counselor instead.

5. When Approval Is Based on Performance

I really struggle with giving words of affirmation. Critical words come more easily to me. I have to remind myself often to make approving comments to those I care about. When approval is performance-based, children lose a sense of value that’s based on who they are as a person. Find little ways to let your kids know you think they are amazing. For ideas of what to say, read 20 Affirmations to Build Your Child’s Self-Esteem.

How have you overcome codependency in your own life?